HOW TO DEAL WITH THE LOSS OF YOUR PET

An article by Mrunal Salunkhe, Intern, Humans of Canines

This article is a dedication to our dearest Hjordis , who breathed her last on the 29^th of August 2020. Goodbye girl and come back to us soon <3

“Today marks one month that my 10 year old Golden Retriever drew his last breath. His name was Mufasa and he came to us when he was just a cuddly furry pup. Ten years passed in the blink of an eye. Ofcourse I wish we had more time, so that I could give him all my love in return. It was definitely tough, dealing with his demise. And it took me a while to come to terms with reality, but thanks to the support of family, I dealt with my grief in a healthy manner.”

This is the story of Kaarthik that resonates with so many pet parents.

Our lives are punctuated by losses. Although a difficult event, there usually is public acknowledgment and support when it is a human demise. In such events, grieving is acceptable and even expected. In contrast, due to the personal relationships we have with our pets, grieving the loss of a pet is private and often isolated. The relationship between humans and pets dates to the beginnings of civilization. Ancient Egyptians kept cats as pets and there are records of dogs being kept as house pets as early as 3000 BC (Mugford, 1977). Even then, there is much denial in our society, around the issues of death and grieving for pets.

Expressed feelings for the loss of a pet often are not validated. Sometimes, they are made to feel embarrassed and silly for crying over ‘just an animal’. When a pet is gone, the owner often experiences a deep sense of loss and grief. Psychologist Julie Axelrod has pointed out that the loss of a dog is so painful because owners aren’t just losing the pet. It could mean the loss of a source of unconditional love, a primary companion who provides security and comfort, and maybe even a protégé that’s been mentored like a child.  In a recent study on educed stress levels, the death of a pet was the most frequently reported trauma experiences by couples (lagoni, Butler, Hetts, 1994). The significance of a pet’s demise can have far reaching ramifications for the owner.  The loss of a pet has as much significance as the loss of a parent, friend or a dear one. There is a dire need to acknowledge that it is a massive event that occurs in our personal life and we need to go through our emotions and process them; not just bottle them up because of what society might think.

The concept that grief has stages is now well accepted, yet most people significantly underestimate the effects of certain losses on their own lives. Within the grief process, our brains are attempting to make sense of what has happened. There is no ‘right’ way to deal with one’s grief; all we can do is try to make sense of the experience.

Here are some ways that might help in dealing with this grief in a healthy way :-

1. Feel your feelings
   Go through your grief, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Your grief is your own and let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.
2. Vent out Guilt is a powerful emotion that impacts our lives consciously and unconsciously, and can make us punish ourselves. Throughout the grief process, grieving pet owners place massive amounts of guilt upon themselves. It is extremely helpful to talk about your feelings in such instances. If not talk, you could write them down or express your feelings through any medium. This helps to rationalize one’s thought process instead of playing the blame-game over and over again.
3. Give yourself time
   Grief does not follow a timeline. It is wise to take one step at a time. Commonly the beginning experience can be intense and it does lessen overtime; however, there are many ups and downs along that process. Giving yourself space to go through all your feelings has known to help in overall dealing with sorrow.
4. Say goodbye with memorials
   Closure is an important step of the grieving process. It gives one a chance to say goodbye and fully come to terms with the incident. It also helps to create memorials, write letters and remember happy memories of the pet. In this way, one can be thankful for them and remember them fondly.
5. Talk to others who have gone through the same experience
   If you have any friends or family who have been through a similar experience, then talking to them may help in giving you a better understanding of the whole. There are some support groups, online/offline that have various people sharing their stories and being a comfort for each other in a confidential space.
   For example- The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement is a nonprofit association of concerned volunteers who are knowledgeable about the sensitive subject of pet death and dedicated to helping people during this very special kind of bereavement. The website contains an extensive list of resources related to pet loss.
6. Seek professional bereavement counseling
   It is always a good idea to visit a therapist in order to deal effectively with any critical situation in life. Professional bereavement counselors will not lend a listening ear but also be a strong support throughout the process of grieving. If your grief is persistent and interferes with daily functioning then, it is necessary to seek professional help.
   It is time that we, as a society give grieving pet owners the recognition, support and consideration they need.  They may not be there for our entire lives, but we are definitely theirs. If you know someone who has suffered the loss of a pet, then do lend them your shoulder, be kind and acknowledge that their loss is real. And if you’re a pet parent who has experienced a loss, know that it’s absolutely alright to be sad and grieve for your pet.
   Our furry friends teach us more than we expect, love us more than we hope and thus it is only natural for us to miss them more than we imagine. So, when it is time for them to cross the rainbow bridge to heaven; cherish them and know in your heart, that their love will last a lifetime.

Here are some resources that might help you further:

• Books for children
• Remembering Pets by Gina Dalpra-Berman
• Dog Heaven and Cat Heaven by Cynthia Rylant
• I’ll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm
• Books for adults
• Goodbye My Friend: Grieving the Loss of a Pet by Mary and Herb Montgomery
• Loving and Losing a Pet by Michael Stern (PhD) and Susan Cropper (DVM)
• Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet by Moira K Allen
• Support groups
• Rainbows Bridge website- There is a Pet Loss Grief Support Center that features helpful information about this.

The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement- It is a nonprofit association run by volunteers, who are knowledgeable about the subject and dedicated to helping people.